Oh, the walls we build.

I have always loved my mother very much. How could I not? She simply adored me. I could pick my nose and she'd take a picture and say it was adorable. (Okay, maybe not really).

However, there's always been the mother-daughter barrier between us. She has always been my mother, and therefore, there are certain things she cannot tell me. It just wouldn't be appropriate to confide some things in your daughter. I've always sensed the distance, and was never able to completely confide in her, either. I guess it's hard to trust someone who doesn't always trust you. How am I supposed to tell her everything if she won't tell me everything? It's a bit of a double-standard.

A year ago yesterday, her mother passed. We all miss her very much, but no one as much as my mom. You can't bring up her mother in conversation without her tearing up. But, it's only been a year, so I suppose this isn't entirely unreasonable. When my mom goes, I imagine I'll have the same heartache.

My grandmother was my mom's confidante. Now, with the divorce between my parents pending, my mom is in great need of someone to talk to. My mom's sister is angry with my dad and isn't a fair ear. She just stresses my mom out. My mom's brother is... well, a man. It's sometimes better to talk to a female. We joined a church a year ago, and my mom talks to the women who went through divorces, but I guess she still needs someone she can talk to on a more regular basis.

Somewhere between my grandmother's death and my parent's separation, I became the mother figure for my mom. She asks for my advice on what to do or say to my dad. I try to be as honest and fair as I can, because I know she's going through a really rough time, and she needs me.

But now, as the mother figure, I still don't feel as though I can always say everything I feel and think and experience to my mom. Now, she's the daughter, and I need to shelter her, just as she sheltered me. I need to be a rock so she can always feel safe talking and leaning on me. If she sees just how much I'm hurting, too, then she'll take on some of that pain, and she's already dealing with so much.

She always says she wants me to confide in her, too. I'm not sure I know how. She can read this blog, and somehow I'm going to manage to bear my soul, but I have such difficulty actually articulating words to people to convey my deep thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to completely trust people anymore. I've lost faith in my fellow species. It's something I'm working on in therapy, but I still feel at a loss when confronted face-to-face with people.

Writing is so much easier, staring at a blank canvas computer screen. I can write anything and click "publish post" and maybe later my mom will read the blog. Then she'll want to talk about it, and I'll freeze up again.

I confronted my dad a few weeks ago, at the push of my mom. She thought it would be therapeutic for me to tell him how he's hurt me. Instead, I find myself upset at the memory of the encounter. I hated showing him my soul. I feel like it was private, that he didn't even have the right to see my pain. I actually feel a twinge of resentment for my mom for making me do this.

I really hope I can take down some of the walls I've built up around myself. But right now, I just don't know how.