The Orphan Monologues

With my father being a spiteful SOB, and my mom emotionally unavailable, I guess this is vaguely what it feels like to be orphaned. It's true that I had them in my life up til now, but should someone like me have their parents suddenly die, maybe this is what it would be like.

It's been 6 months since my brother's discovery about my father's acitivities. And 6 months later, I still haven't been able to talk to my mom about my feelings. She's leaned on me a whole heck of a lot, but I can't reciprocate. And I keep trying to tell her to read this blog, as my way of speaking to her about my feelings, but she won't. She's too busy with chemistry, and then with biology. She keeps promising to read it, but it's been here for over a month now, and that hasn't happened.

Her counselor actually advised her not to read it. Fantastic for me, because I am just trapped in this useless outlet. This isn't some game for me- some hobby or fun. I created this so that I could reach out to the important people in my life the only way I know how. Frickin notes.

I guess I'll be 40 years old, writing notes to my husband expressing my feelings. I think the combination of technology and growing up under the oppression of the Plymouth Brethren, I've been ruined from self-expression through speech. I can text, write a facebook message, email, AIM message, or even hand someone a handwritten note with no problems. The minute I open my mouth, I'm frozen.

Yeah I'm working on this with my counselor. I can actually speak to her, though not without difficulty. My earlier psychiatrists I couldn't talk to. There was a lot of me twisting my hands, fidding my thumbs, and other nervous ticks in therapy sessions in high school. There was not a lot of me talking, though. Emotions just make me really uneasy and stressed out. It is exhausting to speak from the heart. Now, I can't get through a session without crying. But it's only when I open the floodgates am I able to speak about my emotions, so she doesn't seem to mind me using up all her tissues.

But because my mom is avoiding this site, it is sending me a pretty powerful message, one that is merely echoing what I was told in the Plymouth Brethren: I'm not that important. She can dump on me all she likes with her emotions and burdens, but she isn't letting me get a word in edgewise. It feels really one-sided, and I feel pretty emotionally abandoned by her.

I know she's trying to take care of herself through this time, and I know that she is currently motherless, but I really need my mom. And going through the past 6 months without her has been really hard. I've lost both of my parents in one shot. Sure, one of them was crappy. But I really miss the other.